Well, friends, another year has begun, and we've gotten off to a wonderful start. This age of computerized communication has placed in all our hands the power to keep in touch with family and friends as never before. To those friends who send me actual letters via email, I am forever appreciative. My heartfelt appreciation also goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me email "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and wealthy.
Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message.
Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat doots in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and clean chrome.
I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who won't put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)
I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don't copy and send this article to 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of explosive diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's former college roommate.
Heads up!
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Friday, January 06, 2006
Stereotypy, Ad Nauseum. . .
It's not very surprising and a bit horrifying that screaming incompetance and idiocy is a worldwide trend.
Scenario #1:
The holidays are over, and I FINALLY got my last Christmas package sent off yesterday. Why so late, you may ask? Because a package I sent out on the smegging 20th of December was returned to me by Canada Post for being 'improperly addressed'. What kind of grievous mistake did I commit? Did I leave out the postal code? No. Did I screw up the street address? No. Canada Post requires all items inbound from the United States to be printed in capital letters. In my apparent haste, amongst the capitals, I inserted a lowercase 'h'.
Example: SMITh
We're not exactly talking about a quantum leap of understanding, here.
Scenario #2:
Though I'm loath to admit it, I found myself watching one of those 'amazing video' shows last night. One of the clips was from an Austrailian children's show, the title of which was never given. The star, however, was one of those big, floppy monster-like creatures portrayed by a man who should have listened to his high school guidance counselors before choosing educational and career paths. An animal trainer was a guest, and he brought a (naturally) kangaroo.
Now, for those of you who have never had the opportunity to see a kangaroo outside of your local zoo, they are cute, yes, but also EXTREMELY strong and HORRIFYINGLY fierce when they feel threatened.
Enter the actor in the big, orange, floppy suit.
Within seconds of his walking on stage, the man in the costume found himself ON THE FLOOR IN A VISE-LIKE HEADLOCK, FIGHTING FOR AIR. The cute little kangaroo made it perfectly clear that he did not like the guy in the monster suit; so much that two people had to pull her off of him.
What does he do once he gets back on his feet? HE WALKS OVER TO THE KANGAROO AGAIN!! Of course, the animal reiterates her earlier editorial act and attempts to rip the costume head off while kicking the man severely in the groin and midsection.
Geeze. Where were the 'Darwin Award' people for this guy?
There we go. Two examples out of twenty this week that just make me wish there were colonies in Antarctica to ship people to.
More to come. . .
Scenario #1:
The holidays are over, and I FINALLY got my last Christmas package sent off yesterday. Why so late, you may ask? Because a package I sent out on the smegging 20th of December was returned to me by Canada Post for being 'improperly addressed'. What kind of grievous mistake did I commit? Did I leave out the postal code? No. Did I screw up the street address? No. Canada Post requires all items inbound from the United States to be printed in capital letters. In my apparent haste, amongst the capitals, I inserted a lowercase 'h'.
Example: SMITh
We're not exactly talking about a quantum leap of understanding, here.
Scenario #2:
Though I'm loath to admit it, I found myself watching one of those 'amazing video' shows last night. One of the clips was from an Austrailian children's show, the title of which was never given. The star, however, was one of those big, floppy monster-like creatures portrayed by a man who should have listened to his high school guidance counselors before choosing educational and career paths. An animal trainer was a guest, and he brought a (naturally) kangaroo.
Now, for those of you who have never had the opportunity to see a kangaroo outside of your local zoo, they are cute, yes, but also EXTREMELY strong and HORRIFYINGLY fierce when they feel threatened.
Enter the actor in the big, orange, floppy suit.
Within seconds of his walking on stage, the man in the costume found himself ON THE FLOOR IN A VISE-LIKE HEADLOCK, FIGHTING FOR AIR. The cute little kangaroo made it perfectly clear that he did not like the guy in the monster suit; so much that two people had to pull her off of him.
What does he do once he gets back on his feet? HE WALKS OVER TO THE KANGAROO AGAIN!! Of course, the animal reiterates her earlier editorial act and attempts to rip the costume head off while kicking the man severely in the groin and midsection.
Geeze. Where were the 'Darwin Award' people for this guy?
There we go. Two examples out of twenty this week that just make me wish there were colonies in Antarctica to ship people to.
More to come. . .
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